Comment on Wishes Kisses by Jim

Jim — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 08:38:16 +0000

Hi There Birthx,
Very interesting, When I was 20 I got a girl pregnant. I only knew her for a few days and the first time we went out together we slept with each other and she got pregnant. After hearing so I was fine and willing to go through with it. At the time I was a foreign student in the US and my mom then visited and as soon as I told her the news she told me to leave that situation alone. I was hurt and conflicted. Coming from an African background and still under her “support” financially (was still a student) and also knowing how important mothers blessings are, I did as she said. I blocked it all out and after a meeting with the girl I expressed my mothers wishes.
After a second and final meeting I said I cant be involved and asked her to look into adoption options. She was 2 months pregnant then and I even held her belly.
After my daughter was born the mother sent me a picture or her and a letter with contact details but I never made an effort, I was numb to it although I remember weeping to my brother on how the child shall look like me but was still hesitant to make the call. I never did.
Years passed, I moved back to Africa but the guilt and shame kept hitting me. I always would look at her infant picture and read the letter and cry. It took a toll on me and I got into consuming heavy drugs and alcohol, I was in a terrible place.
At my lowest point I felt I needed to reach out and so I did. My brother hired a P.I after a search of her failed on my end. I finally talked to my babys mother and she was married with yet another child and what seems to be a happy family. We traded pictures and emails and I finally got to talk to my daughter. Its been almost two years now and we have a good relationship apart from with my daughters step father who insists I raped her and thinks I’m the lowest of low human beings to the extent of using the internet to trash me. My baby mother is very embarrassed by that although I too retaliated by taking shots at him but only to him, once tho and I regret that because end of the day he has raised my child all along and continues to do so. Recently we did call a truce tho and we have emailed each other a few times with positive words
I have been trying to cultivate positive relations with all of them, calling and emailing frequently. We trade pictures and its going great although at times it is bitter sweet. I have never met my daughter and I don’t really “know her”. She looks like me but is wayyy prettier . She sometimes has a hard time getting what I say because of my accent but its getting better with time. I have sent her gifts for her two past b.days and Christmas too plus a little money to my baby mother.
I love them both (my child and her mom) and things are looking up.
I’m 30 now and the “parental instincts” I suppose are kicking in (and the wish of being a dad) and I live in a lot of regret because I had a great thing the 1st time around. My baby mom is the best mom I know honestly and a beautiful soul. she is also very pretty. I wish I were there physically with them everyday. I hurt many times and I know now that even though my mother played a heavy roll in my life then, I was the one to make the final decision.
If I knew then what I know now, I would be helping my kid on her homework and kissing her forehead every night goodnight.
I have tried to travel back to the US but I left on not too good circumstances. I was a really stupid kid and got arrested by the INS at the time. It was after taken into custody for a suspected DUI after getting pulled over. I wasn’t enrolled in classes full time and got jailed for a month. Angry at the system I opted to leave the country voluntary and revoke my visa.
This was a year and 4 months after the birth of my daughter, like 2 years after leaving my baby momma. I had started with my downward spiral then after making that horrible decision that haunts me to this day.
The more I write this the more new emotion and clearer the situations are playing out for me, kind of a release so forgive me for my many words.
So I cant travel back to the US to see my child because of my past history. They say 10 years some say 7….I have tried twice actually and rejected. My daughter is of darker skin (half white half black) in an all white family of 4 and I feel as if its confusing her alot to where she is not concentrating in school and getting bad grades.
I’m in such a crazy place with that at the moment. I feel so so lost. Some advise or opinions maybe…………
Thanks

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